I have been having a lot of problems sleeping
themselves. So I’m at a cross roads and I’m sad.
Step 1: Check them out.....
Initiate eye contact!! This step is so simple and absolutely key. It's sets the scene for the entire pick up. But it's a step that so many people disregard. Like this step says, when you are walking down the street and see someone you like just make eye contact. Let them know you are checking them out. If they are into you, they will make eye contact back, in which case that is the "green means go signal" for you to walk up to them. If they do not make eye contact back or see you making eye contact and then look away. This means they are not interested and you should let it go.
Step 2: Initiate Conversation....
So once again if they respond with eye in return then that's the signal that they find you attractive as well and you can now walk up to them and start a conversation. Generally starting with "Hi" is a good opening or "I saw you from across the street and I just want to come over and say hi." Cheesy pick up lines are bullshit and overdone. Keep it simple, and get the point of letting them know you are interested. The conversation will naturally flow if they are interested in return. If they are not interested, they will usually give one word answers, be antsy and look for a way to get out of the situation. These are all non verbal cues so you need to pay attention to the other person and whether or not they seem comfortable.
Step 3. Ask Them Out....
After you initiated conversation and found them to be responsive, then you can ask them out. Once again keep it simple!! "Maybe we can get together sometime for a drink?" If they say yes that's great, you have a date!! But if they say no, then that's ok as well.
Step 4: Have Zero Expectations!!....
When you are asking someone out, especially a stranger DO NOT expect them to say yes. It is usually a coin toss, 50% chance they will say yes, 50% chance they will say no. You are taking a risk. Remember this!! If it is a stranger, you know nothing about them this person. Even if they return eye contact and conversation, that does not mean they will want to go out with you. They could be married or in a relationship. They could be overworked or exhausted. They could be traumatically abused. You just don't know. I check out people all the time with no intention of ever actually going out with them. It's fun and I like it but I don't have time to go out with every guy that I am attracted to. It is just not possible for me. So don't take it personal if they say no.
Step 5 (if they say no) Let It Go/Walk Away
If they say no, DO NOT, DO NOT, DO NOT try to persuade them to say yes. I have a personal issue with this because it has happened to me so many times where a guy asks me out and I politely/nicely say no and then they try to convince me otherwise. It is obnoxious and disgusting. And frankly makes me hate the person. What gives you the right to tell another person what they are ok with? (I said no. If I wanted to go, I would have said yes). It is really just that simple. If you know the person you are asking out, or are friends with them or had some sort of prior relationship with them, that is different. But if they are just some random person, move on. Like I said before, you are taking a risk. It is not absolute defeat if they say no. There are other fish in the sea. And I promise, promise, promise, promise you will meet someone else that you are attracted to.
Step 5(if they say yes): Plan the date!!...
They said yes, that's great. Now figure out where you want to go and what you want to do. Once again I always think simple it best to start off with....a drink or coffee. But most importantly remember to have fun!! Dating is suppose to be fun. It is not suppose to be serious. I feel like when you relax and be yourself that is when that best outcomes occur in any situation :-) :-)
I hate it
I feel like I’m screaming on the inside
With nothing left to hide
But they’re not listening to me
They’re paying attention to their diamond rings
And all their bullshit expensive things
I want more
More then anything ever been done before
More then the heartbreak memories
Of children used to keep score
I feel like I live in a glass house
A beautiful glass house
Turned inside out
To fit a mold of a burnout dream foretold
About beauty queens and fairytales

Held together by an expensive hell
Play house….go on play house
With all of your beautiful things
But don’t break those diamond rings
Or you’ll know the real evil the truth can bring
Noooo I scream
I want more…..
More then anything ever been done before
An American dream turned into a nightmare
That fear can bring
Work hard to win, work hard to play
Work hard to survive every god damn fucking day
And make sure to teach your children the same
Because real joy and beauty are not meant to be attained
So I’ve tried to write this. I have tired to write this a billion times. I tried to be poetic and witty. But there is no poetic way to say this. There is no poetry here. So I am just going to come out and say it.
He was violent, my father. And there is something about violence, I guess I never understood completely till now. It’s not like other types of abuse. It destroys you. It takes everything that you have ever known and fucking massacres it. And all that is let in it’s place is rage, and anger, and hate, and pain, just mass amounts of pain.
And I never got it. I never got what happened to me that was so bad all these years that I just couldn’t let it go. I blocked it out. I had to. It was the only way I could deal with what was happening....the only way I could breathe. But then I remembered. It all came back to me like it was fucking yesterday.
The screaming, I was always screaming on the inside, because I wasn’t allowed to scream on the outside. I had to fucking behave. The moments where they used to chase me into the other room and hit me just to get their point across. I would leave my body watching from afar like a movie. I was terrified, terrified to be there, terrified to disobey them.
And they kept telling me how lucky I was. I heard it over and over and over again.....
“You’re so lucky that we are your parents. You’re so lucky that you didn’t have to go through what we did as kids, that you aren’t raised by our parents. You’re so lucky. You’re so lucky. You’re so fucking lucking!!” And everyone else said that same. “You’re so lucky.....so lucky that you’re parents are there that they feed you, clothe you, put you through school. And you have money!!!....MONEY, MONEY, MONEY, not like my friend who lived down the street. Her mother was so fucked up on drugs and alcohol that she had to go live with her grandparents. I was lucky. My parents were completely sober, completely alert, completely aware when they hit me, yelled at me, punished me. Yes, I was soooo “LUCKY.”
And all I could feel was the screaming slicing through my throat like a knife, choking me from the inside. All I could do was run and hide, from myself, from everyone else. But it wouldn’t stop.....the screaming just wouldn’t stop. The chaos never stopped. The pain never stopped. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to enjoy my life. I wanted to be friends with the kids at school. There were people there, people I wanted to tell that they weren’t alone in this world. People who told me that I wasn’t alone. There were people there. But I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t talk to them. If I opened my mouth, everything would just come pouring out. And what would happen then? Who would love me? Who would save me? Who would believe me? I just couldn’t do it. I was too scared. What if it just made everything worse?
Violence isn’t something that you just “get over.” It’s not something that you brush off your shoulder and say, “I’m gonna be better then that.” It eats you alive in the night, destroying you from the inside. It tears on your body, heart, and mind. It robs you of your self worth, your confidence, your self love. It takes all of your notion and reasons, your practicality, your ability to see situations clearly. It crushes your reality of beauty and life. It causes you to see death as a blessing and life as a curse. Violence massacres you. And it apologizes for NOTHING.
For a really long time, I felt convoluted. Why am I in so much pain all the time and where was it coming from? I mean my parents made mistakes but was it really that bad? Why am I always so lost? Why do all my relationships fall apart? Why do I spend a majority of my time tittering on the line between life and death? And most importantly why don’t I give a fuck about anyone, including myself? Why!!!!???
But that writing was on the wall and had been the whole time. My father spent more time, hating me and belittling me then he did loving me. I have two good memories of my father, only two where he actually spent time with me and he was present enjoying the moment. The rest are all bad. The rest he spent tearing into me, ripping me to shreds, making me feel like shit, making me feel like I didn’t deserve to be alive.
By the time I was ten years old, I wanted him dead. I remember it very clearly. He was in the hospital, because he kept fainting. My mother was a mess and I pretended to be upset for her sake, but I had no care for him whatsoever. And I knew in my heart that if he died both our lives would be better for it.
My mother and I were friends when I was a kid. We spent time together, shared moments, had laughs. We were going to travel the world together. But somewhere along the way she lost it. By the time I was thirteen she was starting to ripping into me just the same. Everything I did was an issue and we started fighting all the time. Now I had both of them to deal with on a 24/7 basis and it got worse when I got to college. The more I made decisions that were true to myself, the more they yelled, the more we fought, the more distant we got.
So I walked away. Ok, I didn’t walk, I ran like the fucking wind. My mother was screaming at me on the phone and I just couldn’t take it anymore. One more time I would have to go around with her, with my father about how I was making bad decisions, I wasn’t doing what was right, I was such a disappointment.....one more fucking time. And it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter what I did. If I was good or bad, if I rebelled or did everything EXACTLY as they wanted, they still found something wrong, something to yell at me for, to reprimand me, to punish me. The story was always the same. It was the same when I was 3 years old and it’s the same now at 32 years old. Their world is the only world that matters. When they are right, they are right, no apologies, no excuses, no backing down, not today, not yesterday, not tomorrow, not EVER.
They took everything, everything I knew, everything I loved about life, about myself. They took my beauty and they massacred it. They robbed me of my self worth, my confidence, my self love. They took my reason, my notions, my practicality. They made me feel like I didn’t deserve to be alive every second, every minute of my life. They made me see death as a blessing and life as a curse. And they apologized for nothing, not now, not then, not EVER.
And I can’t lie about it anymore. I can’t pretend. I can’t say everything is fine when it’s not. And I’m NOT O.K. I haven’t been OK in a very long time. I live in a world of chaos, constantly tittering on the line of sane versus insane, contemplating my death, contemplating my truth, contemplating my life.....
This is my truth. This is my story, or at least the beginning of it.....
I have been lonely for so long, I don't know any other way to be.
I have just been alone for so long, I just don't know any other way to be.
I walked around with this chip on my shoulder always acting like it was me against the world. My father used to do this….it was him and the family against the world. But it wasn’t the world that was fucked up, it was our family. I wrote this poem awhile back that said,
“I thought the monsters were under my bed.
But little did I know the monsters were inside my head.”
And it’s like that, everything we were running from on the outside was exactly what was on the inside.
It took me forever to realize this…..I didn’t want it to be true.
No one wanted this lie more then me. NO ONE. But it was killing me,….literally it was killing me. And I would have died for it GLADLY. But that’s not why I am here….on this planet. I am here to be real….to tell the truth even when it hurts.
Even when I would rather die, then say it out loud.
I am here to cry, to shout, to scream, to doubt, to love, to laugh, to breathe
to feel anything and everything possible as a human being.
I am here to live.
There has been a lot of dying happening on this planet for centuries. But honestly, there hasn't been much living.
I'm screaming out….full of pity and never ending self doubt.
I lost everything. People don't know about this. They think I won. And yes according to society, I
did. But I lost EVERYTHING…..family, friends, pieces of myself. The person I THOUGHT….I was……
COMPLETELY LOST…..COMPLETELY GONE
And my heart is broken
Because the words on this page are left
Unspoken.
I am a child of heart break.
There is nothing left to take.
The only reality I ever knew
There is nothing left to undo
YOU
Built me up and shot me down
Threw me out and spun me around
This was your heartbreak
Through these words
There is nothing left to take
You
Struck me out
Crossed the line
You
Dedicated your life
To my demise
All so you could play a game
Thats been done before
A dream that ignores reality
Is such a bore
And this is a tale of heart-break
Where there is nothing left to take
Because your heart was broken
With so many words left unspoken
YOU
Used my demise as your token
To build you up
To keep your lies
To contribute to your bullshit battle cries
And I was the cost
Of your heart-break
Tell me was
Was this sacrifice
YOU MADE
Worth its weight
For now my heart is broken…..
But the words on the page are my token
To a reality that is a dream
And I will not leave them unspoken
This is a tale of my
HEART—BREAK
The only reality left to take
All these pieces of me
Are really broken
And I can’t seem to see
The words have been spoken
The lines on the page
Are my token
And I can’t seem to see
The reality within me…...